Sometimes, sometimes. I still feel like crap when I know I'm no longer the one you think about in the middle of the night you can't et to sleep. Neither the one of your very last thought of every day before you fall into slumber. But I'm not gonna say the same words like I miss you. I miss you, too much. I miss you, too long. I miss you, enough.

I'll eventually get used to it and feel better which I highly doubt at this point.

xo

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I should've Tumblr this.

I thought I did but I never did. I can feel in my heart, my pulse. Life just goes on even now everything's changed. I haven't write in awhile. I haven't had what it takes was what i stopped myself to. The rights, the wrongs, the logics, the fears. All of that. Christmas's coming and the year's ending again. Been a year.. now I stand here but one of the things that stayed the same. Still, I didn't had him at all. To think that it could've been him, should've been, might have been him.. turns out not. It's thorough. A lost I utter.

xo

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So does it actually really reflect how sad a person I am to have a friend replying on my birthday wish sent to wish me to stay happy? Seriously serious? The awkward moment.

How much does that reflect how sad I have been feeling for people around to actually did noticed that.

xo

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Nobody could have had anything like that predicted. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

& Who would have known how all of the feelings I have for a person like that be turned into the scar I'm going to bring around and carry along with me wherever I go. Those feelings, memories, past, history.. meant too much to me than what have I allowed them to be.

Nothing's left except a scar. Who would have known?

xo

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I'm still on my bed after over 12hrs of sleep. Thoughts of yesterday's seem blurry in my mind. I can't comprehend all this. I don't know how. To think that I created words and sentences yesterday for the boy who obviously isn't and never mine to speak of again.

It reminds me of somethings. The very initial reason he had for me is gone. I was once the girl w/o make-ups and all, but now I've become the opposite. Purely apart from wanting to look prettier, it wasn't an option to speak of for what I'm studying for. So the reason is gone and has found another to tag it on already. As if being natural is the top of the list for his feelings to be worthy to. I ain't anymore to that for every time he sees me. School time, I'm to wear make-ups.

I need to stop circling around all of his words that haunts me up to date for it belongs to another now. Or I'll end up playing the fool again. That phase is over and he's let me go. So I'll have to let him go as well. We need to let go of everything we once shared. Take care was the goodbye line I'm never going to forget. So, until I say it back to him, i need to face my own feelings to make sure all have been diminished. Than to lie and fail to be happy after. I just gotta get ready for the aftermath.

xo, G.

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So it's a public holiday tomorrow. Headed straight home after chef class ended w the exhaustion from lack of sleep the night before. Plan to jog around the neighborhood canceled w the dark grey clouds in the sky.

It's not even 7pm yet the street lights are already on, the house is so dark w only the lights from my laptop screen and tv being the only source to make sight visible. It just began to pour. I smell the rain now.

Laying on the couch, a thousand curiosity within me running through my veins. The what-ifs starts popping in my mind, for every step forward I'd take three steps back. The connection is gone. So how is it even possible anymore. I fear my thoughts. My mind worked it's way to connect everything I'm aware of together and it gives a very logical and convincing outcome I know well yet maybe have yet to just accept and live with it. That explains why I still have moments like this to have my thoughts come as a comfort to myself that obviously doesn't work at all.

xo

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Morning.

Am @ the bus stop waiting for bus to school. Class at 8am has made a disciplined me.

Anyway. Contradictions as I wanna say.

They say; "Memory fade but the people in it stays the same" & "Memory stays even when the people in them change" or something along that line which I can't quite put together yet.

They contradict anyway isn't it. I can't quite get it. Memory faded, indeed. But so did the person in it.. I feel scared but it's a good thing everyone would have agreed with me. It's just another step closer to nothingness and a thorough separation. That's what I always had thought. That's why I'm scared, even if it's what's best for me. The breakaway.

So leave it all behind. So go on, go with the flow. So let it be. It's only gonna get better. Don't fight it anymore. Don't fight the fact that i'm actually forgetting with the initial stubborn thought that I never will. Well, I'm proving myself wrong. I'm actually capable of what I believed I can't. Kudos.

I have 55mins to get to class. Can't wait for it to end at 12nn already. School on Mondays are good. Byeee.

xo

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Escaped from dinner table on topics of him and his girl. Silence. His, I know what that means. All I feel is how much he does love her. Enough. I already lost my appetite, yet I'm gg back now to keep up with the show, now. Now. Torture, horrible. Bye.

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For the past two nights after that day's meeting, there were conversations between on msn. Strictly work and nothing else. I felt the tone, the words, the formality, the tension, and even a fair bit of resistance. None would have even wanna speak to the other like in private, outside meeting hours. I understand. His time belongs to himself and who he decides to spend with. Anyway, the conversation on msn was boring. I held the convos the last thing of my day. Hoping to sleep away any emotions that may come haunting me. Refused to be told goodnight to, refused to be reminded of the past. The walls I feel myself built up so high, cracks will be enough but not the fall. Keep it at that, don't see, don't read word for word. Glance and forget, don't say it back, my life is easier that way despite the heart's longing.

xo

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Haven't been any more speechless than I did. Went for meeting, which in other words, seeing him for a couple of hours. The struggle was battling. Getting all tensed up. My energy depleted at every second with the close distance that I've avoided so long. Exhausting. Weak. Cold. Sadness fills the stomach there wasn't even need for dinner. These are baby steps. I'm taking a little step forward, careful, slow and steady. Learning to breathe. Back to one. Stable the trembles and shivers. Chill. Repeating the same lines in my head so harshly everything came coming out. "I'm happy that you are happy yes I am really". That was it. This was all that circled inside my mind the entire evening behind the quiet self and smiling, laughing face.

xo

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